Late day today. Woke up at 5:30am and got home at 22:20. Aperture lecture today with Chuck Close. I'm glad I went. Right now at 23:21 the temperature outside is 18C. Unreal since tomorrow is December 1st. But this will all be over tomorrow when the rain comes and the temperature dropping to about 5C. All within a day or two. Ah The Northeast!

Had a strange evening today. Perhaps I am just exhausted. Somewhere in the commute back home in the spirit of Nietzsche I started to think that all that is said in songs, movies, stories and whatever else as fairy tales of the best things to come don't come. Nietzsche's thinking cuts a lot of that hoping out. Its just a crude cold reality. I picked up a new roll today so that will be shown soon. The photograph tonight sort of reflects on the day to day. The man is holding a firearm magazine. Oddly enough it was the only thing he was carrying. I have nothing against guns but it worries me when whole bunch of uneducated men carried away in mob mentality think they are some patriots that need to re-write all that is wrong with this country.

Don's blog has a great write up on digital language. Superb along with the comments left by other readers. I didn't have much to add on the topic but really enjoy reading that sort of writing. Now back to analog world. Christmas is coming and the radio stations in the NYC metro area make me aware. Otherwise I probably wouldn't noticed. (Even now I am listening Polish radio station from Warsaw via Internet and no Christmas music.) Its way too warm for end of November. Last year this time I was in Poland and as far as the Byelorussian border with my cousin. That was a great trip. The picture on my website in the about me page is from the border post. A river lies between the other on the Byelorussian side. It just started to snow too. I think back a lot to that trip because I didn't have my film camera. But at least now I know I'll be traveling everywhere with it. The great thing about traveling with a film camera is that you're more cautious of what you shoot. Oh, there still will be plenty of Crap! But it slows you down. And if you can master slowing down to photograph along with enjoying your surroundings, it just builds better memories. For a long time I avoided taking my camera a long because I want to enjoy the place itself. Now, as I'm getting older, I'm finding a common ground between both.

Probably not the best timed photograph from few weeks ago. A big advertisement shows a Leaf and states 'Fall is bigger here'. 'Here' is the Poconos which are about an hour and a half from NYC in the Delaware Water Gap region. Fall is beautiful there. But now, today, it is the end of November so Winter is here, sort of. At lest the golden sun gives the poster its justice.

I shot one roll yesterday while in Princeton. I'm still getting used to and very much liking the new metering method. The main thing that caught my eye yesterday were the shadows. I didn't venture far into the campus. My main walk was right to the Cathedral. I took about 4 frames there. One inside which was rested on a bench with 1 second exposure (I feel it’s not as tack sharp as it can be from the Mamyia) and the rest are really about shadows. So tonight I'll be brief but here are the two photographs of the Cathedral. One from the outside and the other is from the inside. The subject is the same spot but from different angles/perspectives. In both photographs what drew me to the scene were the late autumn shadows that gave great long tones. The photograph from inside the Cathedral is just few meters away from the other photograph’s perspective but it feels as if completely different world away.

Today I drove down to Princeton, NJ which is about 30 minutes south of me. Among the good things about NJ is the proximity to NYC and Philadelphia. I am lucky to be about 40 minutes (1 hour via Train) from NYC and about 1 hour and 15 minutes to the old part of Philadelphia. My next weekend will be an attempt to pack the Wista M100 (a heavy monorail 4x5 that has full movements and generous at that) to lug it around town.

My visit to Princeton was primarily to visit a book store I have not really got a chance to fully explore. And today explore I did. I came to realize that my most favorite bookstores happen to be the chain ones. Particularly since Borders around this area has been bombarded with Barns and Noble locations I spend more time there. For one there are magazines which I debate to pick up for the train occasionally and the second reason is that the books the shops carry fuller range on the subject (in this case I am thinking of Photography books but even in Philosophy section there are plenty of fine books on a given author for example). The Princeton store had a lot of passers by. I tend to be a regular at the stores I visit. That’s the feeling I get from people there as well. The Princeton store seems to be a novelty shop so I couldn’t quite concentrate. But perhaps has I found a book I was looking for I would most likely loose myself there. But I didn’t or at least couldn’t concentrate. I found Borges’ Non-Fiction essays and couldn’t asses at that moment whether it is what I am looking. I found some great Emerson collection of Essays but with the atmosphere there I couldn’t focus toabsorb in it. There are days I absolutely can but that just was not the case today. I will give the store a second honest chance. I’ll wait till the post-thanksgiving in-town family members go home. I’ll wait till after Christmas so the city is much calmer from the boutique traffic. Then I’ll go and seek out all but photography books at that store because the ones I found today were depressing. There was a book on fire hydrants all over USA, there were photo books which were a mere collection of abstracts with every day themes. Think of how once could photograph fire hydrants and publish a book and there was 80% of the collection. Crap! There was a book by Bassari but I’ll look for that one on Amazon to see any related work.

The photograph is from a late commute back home somewhere towards the end of October. Of course this scene happens a lot. Lots of people read on the train and normally this might be me except the fact I chose to hold my camera at the moment. The lighting was bad. The camera was handheld. The motion blur is evident. But I like the photograph for the fact it represents books having a place everywhere. There is also a particular difference between a man who is reading and the one who is not. Social contrast perhaps would be the phrase.

So the last two sheets were developed today. I also declare today that I give up on plastic tanks all together. As soon as I found stainless steel tanks back when i was starting out I never looked back. I saw other photo students shunning away from them because they look as more could go working with them. To me they were simpler and quicker to clean. Well in 4x5 and above world there are few choices. Same plastic options creep up and not knowing much better I bought one. No matter whether its 35mm or 120 film or for that matter 4x5 all plastic tanks leak. The film comes out decent despite oozing chemicals but the mess left behind has me smelling of fixer and I developed the sheets 3 hours ago. Its as if I came out of the darkroom 5 minutes ago. So I ordered BTZS tubes and should have them shortly. I am getting more hooked on 4x5 shooting. The big part for the interest is the challenge between technical proficiency and subject interaction.

About the photograph: I chose one of the two. Both are very good, or less movement then yesterday but the reason for my final choice is a personal reason. Its much more real to me. The other photograph carries a calm smile where as this one is much more direct. Its more of how I know her to be. And the most striking difference is between this photograph and the last night's post. This one is much more direct where as the other one is very much withdrawn. I think the eye contact is very important in a photograph but I also believe a portrait suggesting an idea or thoughts might not necessarily require it (last night's Photograph). Both portraits give a little different interpretation of the personality.

This was Ilford HP5+ pushed 2 stops but since I couldn't find the time at dilution of 1:100 for Rodinal I followed a suggestion form http://www.digitaltruth.com/ to multiply the standard time x 2.25 which gave me 36 minutes. I would however recommend aprox. 40 minutes. The negatives are decent but little more time would lessen the normal but thin impression. I also highly recommend diluting Rodinal at higher rations as it gives superb tonal rendition. The developing times are much longer but the fact that the shadows develop bring in the magic of Rodinal. You end up with rich but contrasty tones. I just wish Agfa papers were still made. By far they were among my favorite black and white papers to print on.

I made a compromise today. But before I write about that I want to say I am building a book of portraits. This is a project I have written down in a little notebook sometime in March and now actually organized to the point where I have been shooting it and learning each subject requires a very unique approach. It becomes very easy to get technical with photography. Measure the light, make a decision on the shutter and aperture combination and there you go as far as correct exposure. But when there is a person in front of the camera the technical details should be no more then an instinct. The compromise I made today was with a subject I had to feud in order to sit in front of the camera. The person is my Mom. Her approach to the whole concept has been somewhat a loathing of the process. She offered to relax and be aware before our next sitting. From experience this will not be smooth. I am offering a different approach also to the ones used in the past. And that approach is in general to my potential and future models. I can get easily irritated while setting up my gear and making sure everything is in order. And when enough annoyances added up in the past I stepped back and said to myself that if they don't care neither do I. It took a lot of time to realize I distanced myself from the model this way and through too much of technical data that no one ever cares at that moment except me and no one would ever be interested at that moment. How I am making the photograph matters to me. The technical process is a lonely one and no one will respect it as the photographer does. And rightfully so! Most people will simply want to see the print in a frame to admire/investigate it for the subject matter. The process can be analog or digital but it is one of character building/reflection that emits itself in the style. And style and talent combine only to prove themselves in time.

This is a photograph of my mom from today. The light was faint from an overcast and rainy day outside. The exposure time was a grueling 1 second long. I took total of 4 sheets of film which in Large Format means 4 frames of film. First one I developed is motion blurred because Mom was wiggling around. Second one is better but when i enlarge it the motion blur shows up quite clearly. Of course the beauty of 4x5 (9x12cm) size negative is that unless I made a huge print the blurriness will be little noticeable. And finally I still have 2 more sheets I need to develop but this time they are at 1/2 second exposures so hopefully I can walk away with an expressive and sharp photograph. More shoots will follow but the mere fact I am learning a human approach to photographing people seems to be a great reward I seldom stop to appreciate. I am finding a way to better understand my subjects. If I get this right someday perhaps I can complete my book of portraits.

I like this from today for many reasons but one is that it carries a particular mood in the myst of her relections. This portrait will carry more in time but I already like it.

The final two photographs included tonight. First is of a typical school in the Amish community, the second is of a typical blacksmith’s tools still used by the Amish. This is on Tri-x developed in Rodinal which is my standard. I like the tonal range that results with higher dilutions.

Thanksgiving tomorrow. Today was typical work day. I’m looking at bikes again over the last 3 days. I really like the KTM DUKE. The commercial on the website is neat with a driver doing wheelies all town and occasionally zooming down the highway. Very cool. I’m not much of a stunt rider but I love to ride. I just don’t have a garage so I’m restricted to the Northeast riding season which is between march and November really. There will always be diehards riding all year round. No doubt. But for those 4 months I would probably pay a motorcycle dealer to store it in their facility. I inquired about that once so I hope the place still does it.
Anyways, I’m off to watch The Professional with Jean Reno. He’s the French Robert DeNiro. Or at least its funny to look at them that way.

I missed the post last night because as soon as I got home I was tired. Don’t know why but I managed to get my suit ready for today and went to bed early. We all have those days. I spent this evening in NYC but not with the camera unfortunately. I was wearing a suit and a long trench coat so the small Lowepro bag would not look appropriate attending the matters I had planned this evening. On a regular day I don’t particularly care about any rules to bring the camera along. In the last few weeks it is the Mamyia 7. I much would prefer the Mamyia 6 along with the square format but I got this one at a great deal some time ago and absolutely love it. There is one more lens I am looking to get in the near future but for overall work the 80mm is superb.
There are 4 more photographs I'd like to show from the Amish roll. I'll save the two best ones for the next post. The black and white tones in them make them my favorites. But the photographs tonight are very reflective of their lives as well. The shoes and lawnmower photograph suggest laborious nature of the Amish. The window with the pots is from a basement of a typical Amish house where in the summer all the cooking is done. It becomes a family room in a sense. But this is November and the house a mere museum of a sort. Still the atmosphere somehow had a strong presence of solitude.

Yesterday was an interesting day. I ended up shooting a back and white roll and I got about 8 images I am very happy with from 10 images. That is rare and superb ratio. Of course in few days I'll do another roll only to end up with 1 good image if I am lucky, or maybe I'll be on a roll.

What defines good images? That varies completely on subject matter. For me yesterday is the fact that the 8 images tell a represent the place and my day accurately. The subject was the Amish village/little informative museum. All elements are in more or less daily use. The farm itself has live animals and people that actually attend to the daily chores. Half of the building is empty for visitors education on the Amish culture. The two photographs I'm including tonight are among the first I took as I listened to the guide. There somewhat symbolic of the life and the typical day of the Amish. The overcast day worked out very well. The second photograph perhaps more plain but something about those clothes hanging on the pulley that seemed somehow familiar to me in simpler country living.

For technical details I ended up using an off-camera light meter. I no longer gave in to the spot metering that always convinces me in the end. I am very happy with these results. A simple as it sounds I saw the same technique used in the documentary mentioned few posts ago. Film was Tri-x in Rodinal at 1:100 scanned on Epson 2450 and levels adjusted in PS. The camera was the Mamyia 7 with 80mm lens.

I finally picked up a roll overdue. I am not happy at all with the scans I got on a CD that came along with it. I guess I'll need to rescan them on my own but not tonight. I drove out to the Amish country in PA today. Just like rural PA it was peaceful but I would much rather do this sort of trip on a Motorcycle in warmer weather. Te weather was mostly cloudy today. Too tired to reflect on it today. I did however take two rolls. One was of Tri-x so tomorrow I'll develop it and scan by the evening. More to come :)

Tonight, a photograph of NYC from about 2 weeks ago. Busy photograph and I need to rescan it. Perhaps not very useful one but tonight it will have to do.

Ireland... this is my evening tonight. In my spare time I have been searching Monster and at random looking over what's available in Europe. There are 3 big centers for financial operations and they are Ireland, Louxemburg, and England (London). I liked Ireland ever since I was a teenager. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm a fan of Van Morrison but I think it goes beyond it. But if I get a decent/good offer I'll go for the adventure of moving there sooner then later. Tonight no photograph. I am lost in though and researching potentially the biggest move of my adult life. But I am including here lyrics from my many favorite Van Morrison songs titled "Why Must I always explain". This song has some strong influence over photography as well.

Have to toe the line, I've got to make the most

Spent all the years going, from pillar to post

Now I'm standing on the outside and I'm waitin' in the rain

Tell me why must I always explain

Bared my soul to the crowd eh but oh what the cost

Most of them laughed out loud like nothing's been lost

There were hypocrites and parasites and people that drain

Tell me why must I always explain

Why, why must I always explain

Over and over, over again

It's just a job you know and it's no sweet lorraine

Tell me why must I always explain (alright)

Well I get up in the morning and I get my brief

I go out and stare at the world in complete disbelief

It's not righteous indignation that makes me complain

It's the fact that I always have to explain

I can't be everywhere at once, there's always somebody to see

And I never turned out to be the person that you wanted me to be

And I tell you who I am, time and time and time again

Tell me why must I always explain

Well it's out on the highway and it's on with the show

Always telling people things they're too lazy to know

It can make you crazy, yeah it can drive you insane

- Van Morrison

2 days have not posted and actually began to feel angry at myself. I like the discipline of the blog.

My last 3 days have not been among the better days. My mood is right along everything else going on. Day job is the biggest contributor to it all but I'll manage. This blog is not a place for such non-essential and random venting.

Back to Photography. I watched a great film last night titled The Big Animal by Jerzy Stur from a script by Krzysztow Kieslowski. Great film about jealousy and darker side of such filings that appear in a small village. The subtitles are a big comprimase as the language is much more descriptive of what is going on but I still recommend the movie. Afterwards there is a 31 minute interview with Mr. Stur. Something that stuck in my head was 'Talent is something that can be seen in due time' which i find as a great simple statement. It made me think in terms of any genre but as always my thoughts wondered to photography where lucky shots can be taken by anyone. But the style of the photographer, his talent for the medium, can be only seen with time. To add more complexity the talent will be seen though the subject matter and the genuine representation of that theme. But most importantly that made me think of time being so vital to any creative process.

I rush from thought to thought, sentence to sentence, and book to book. I think some part of me likes the slow and reserved approach. The other wins most of the time. I am completely frustrated with this. Perhaps that has been my last 3 days wrapped in not being able to clearly see where I'll be in 6 months from now. But if time is what is needed to see talent and earning one's place at least I can breathe and not worry I need to prove something to someone right now. I can photograph, free and unrestricted. Maybe in some abstract collection of completely different photographs I'll be able to define myself. But maybe with time I'll find my access to the subject matter and due justice to the subject for what it means and feeling it evokes. Maybe with time.

I walked in rain for 20 minutes this evening. I thought the drizzle won't get me wet but I was soaked during my walk from the train station when it came down hard. But for November it wasn't cold. The camera bag was dry as its design to sustain situations like this.

I'm watching 'War Photographer' film about James Nachtwey. I highly recommend it with a word of caution on the graphic nature of the topics. It’s a superbly done documentary on the nature of the work.

The photograph tonight is from my trip to California this year. It is Carmel. I absolutely love California. This photograph is a memory. It was grey and foggy but absolutely peaceful.

Sunday night... The weekend ran away with too much wasted time. But I am still thinking of the questions I was asked yesterday of the purpose of some of the images. I am sort of angry with myself tonight. Frustrated over many things but primarily in terms on photography is the fact I do not have a large enough body of work I think that I can show as a project. I have random photographs but nothing solid as a major body of work. If I was to show in one meeting all my images I find best defining my work I would loose myself in what the hell its all about. BUT! That is slowly changing. I am seeing a light. The truth is that I absolutely love photographing people, portraits, in various surroundings. My access is limited to the subject availability. I'll work on it. My other ideas are only now coming together for a bigger project. Could it be like this? I mean that it took me 12 years to arrive in a state where I am beginning to be ready to do projects? And I am referring to those of some significant merit. Perhaps I am earning my place still and can one day have few projects I can call as mine very own that took dedication, organization and execution that brings in an audience to take interest.

This photograph is from among the largest shipping facilities on the east coast. It was Sunday so the port was completely idle. Majority of shipping from Europe comes here including everything from cars to beer. The city is Elizabeth. There is a 3% tax rate at IKEA down the road because the populous area about 15 minutes away is in need of investment to rebuild its negative image. It’s taking years. Newark is next to it.

Last two evenings have not been ones I wanted to have. Saturday was good in the routine of events that weekends bring but I wish I was more productive so sitting here now I can say I did everything with my weekend. Sundays are usually the catch-up day for reading and getting ready for week ahead.
I was asked what the photographs mean or do I post them at random. I never have answers to those questions right there. I photograph and because it is on film I try to choose my subject matter according to some thought or feeling of the moment. Now that I have gotten to picking the camera up more I am seeing that I shoot for the pure joy of it. I worry much less for the photograph to be perfect. I do my best. I began to stick to more of films and developers I'm used to. I shoot specific films the same way without throwing in big variants of stops pushed. It becomes easier to shoot.
And Saturday morning I was asked what is the purpose of these photographs. And the answer is being a Photographer. Some text follows some photographs. Some do not need it. But I am seeing that with time I am developing a certain style of some reflective exploration of my world at the moment. These things are everyday and we all see it with some also photographing it. Photographing downtown Manhattan is done by a lot of people. My purpose for these photographs? Perhaps to show those who like to see a more neutral and reflective way from where I end up at the moment. It might be NYC, it might be Warsaw, or Paris, Dublin, San Diego and anywhere in between. It is a perspective from a photographer who was born at a particular time and hang on to the traditions of the past. Perhaps its the change of time, the nostalgia that photographers loose themselves in that the places are disappearing. To me in the most direct contact with the metro area of NYC the feeling is documenting a reflection I have of my surroundings. The real world vs. the opinions and stereotypes others might have. Its almost like I will be a wondering of the world for the rest of my life. What I try to find is what we all can understand or call familiar. It might not be possible sometimes but then photography be too easy if it was.

Its sort of funny... anytime I photograph NYC I wait for the yellow cab. It makes most of the picture to me. Not all of the photographs have them but whenever I have ‘em it brings home NYC for me. Not the vans though, just the Ford Crown Victorias. I even drove one back when I worked for a mayor’s office in NJ. The best were the ones with the Police package. Stiff suspension and quicker turning.. I guess to do a U-turn from the oncoming traffic. That experience tells me how much those cars can do and to be honest that is not much. If you take any of the Japanese performance cars which are very affordable, and use caution and skill driving it, no Police cruiser will be able to catch up. This is not an opinion but a fact... myth of a corvette engine or not, the weight of those cars and the mere size of them will not be able to let them take a 90 degree turn with the speed and precision small Japanese turbo charged cars can. In fact I don't currently see anything on the market that rival Japanese performance cars. Peugeot 206 is built for it... and the boys back in Europe live to make them into Rally cars. And that reminds me, Rally is a true sport of skill... I do not find NASCAR anywhere close to WRC. And its so much more practical too.. extreme... but practical.

The next few pictures are from the negatives of few weeks back. I find scanning color negative film much easier then slide. It might be for a reason that I think the scanner I use gives it a particular glow which is a technical fault. Its very frustrating getting a good scan in, its much more frustrating printing it. Black and white is a joy to scan and print for that matter.

I missed a lecture last night held in NYC titled 'Can a photograph can still be original'. I had to work late. The topic of the lecture complements much of what I have been reading lately. The art/photography has to be visually pleasing. The originality factor is significant as much as when you speak or write, do you use other people's words? Of course your not and you do. Yes, both. We all do it. Can a photograph be original? Does it matter when a photograph is original but says nothing? I am not really comfortable with those sort of questions. I don't think they are necessary. If you take a photograph out of a series of let say 10, you might loose all originality of what it is/was a part of. So now can a project be original? Absolutely! But then can re-doing let say a project on rough neighborhoods someone else did 40 years ago, isn't the exploration to seek the change original as well? I wish I went to that lecture. I am thinking about this a lot lately in a sense of topics that limit the concentration of the photographer. I do believe a photographer owns to his audience something universal and that is to make his photography as technically flawless to offer a reflection and pleasing photograph to look just few more moments then we're used to. But technical flawlessness does not requite die hard perfection. If an image is motion blurred for an example the viewer might need the tones/colors to make him feel its that moment. That balance of choosing the elements recorded on film is original to me. And as original as it might be the photographer owes his audience the freedom of reflection without making his images understandable only to him only.

In 24 hours my mind is busy with thinking of an island which is 100 sq. miles and offers a possiblity of work with great compensation. If I go what will I do? These photographs I am postiting lately are gaining wierd value. Will I miss this everyday indistrial and grey area? Will I miss my commute which is quite mundane? Am I ready to spend the rest of my life working for a firm and building my career though slow promotions. Big questions that some have answears to. Very heavy thoughts tonght spurred by 3 phone conversations.

This is an image from a walk along 6th Ave in NYC (Downtown). I noticed the trees on the roof and thoght how cool would it be to sit and sip on tea way above the cahos below and having a tree there to make you feel closer to earth. Strange but cool!

Last night I sat and reviewd some 30 new frames I collected in the last 2 weeks. The quality of the scans is simply poor. They were done at the lab when the film was processed and all are at 72dpi with just uterly poor detail in the overall shot. I much prefer scanning the image at a high resolution and then resizing it down for web use. Even though little can be noticed in a small shot anyway there is tiny bit more detail it desreves. And a piece of mind.

I have been photographing a lot more lately and that makes me feel a lot better. One thing I find on the east coast is that around this time I get depressed, perhaps its a seasonal thing, becuase every few days each november I get like this. It gets cold, trees loose their color and leaves only to make the day go back quicker in darkness. But that's not always a bad thing. I like night pgotography a lot.

I have been reading more latley on the process and creative appraches to photography. I'll do a post on that as soon as I colect more thoughts on that.

The photographs in the next few days will be more of urban landscape. This way I can maintian a full scope on 'On Photography' that involves the projects I am working on. This photograph is of a old warehouse I see everyday. This is taken from a moving PATH train that runs between World Trade Center, NYC and Newark Penn Station. I like this image for the abandoned white werhouse somehow conected with the empty white billboard that is lit up at night. A representation of a state of being in some respect.

I went to sleep way to early yeasterday and it looks like I'm heading down the same road today. So I'll keep it short tonight and instead of words I offer a new photograph from a sunset last week over Hudson river and this shot is of the Goldman Sachs building. I won't get into the pain in the ass of scaning and getting more detail out of this... becuase the negative is truly impressive.. but that discussion is for another night.

Of to the Photo Expo in couple hours... My next post should have a photo again. I decided to include random ones, not just portraits I shoot. The blog after all is on photography that I encounter. The more I write the more I enjoy and it gives me an outlet to set some things in my head. I actually need to try to make sense of all the confusion when I sit down and write it. As for photographs here I can only say they will follow a path I will not try to define it. I am running away from setting concrete path of what I have to meet only to get frustrated that its not. ‘m sure some patter will follow here. Also mind you I shoot film so time might be a factor between new work being developed and scanned. But it will be here. That is a statement I can keep true.

Off to the city in a few… and pick up processed film afterwards.

I want to shoot for Magnum! or in other words, I like the work there. Its all about meaning and heart filled sentimental stories. It sort of gives the photographer a sense of purpose with life's precious moments. Yes, I want to be part of Magnum.

Tommrow I am going to the Photo Expo in NYC. Will aslo pick up some random shots I did in a week. On the way last night I photographed in totally public places. I am eating the fear of being confronted by someone. It takes a balance. But never think a shot was missed... that will bring you down and the next 10 seconds which build a much better image is overlooked.

Something that Jonas said yeasterday... so important.. i only undertood today. It was not the case he said it was important. It was the comment that his project was about being there and photographing on slide film... he said he did not know what he was getting... which in my opinion is exacly what you need... you do not know what you got on film... you keep shooting as if the other photograph might not come to be.., so you shoot even harder for the next... and later you see your effort... What Jonas was refering to is Digital confirmation... the mere fact you just see your image and know you got a good shot... what's the motivation to work harder for the next moment... I think this is where digital has its drawback in the creative process realm.

Got home late today. I went to another Aperture lecture evening and I ened up getting a book of the photographer Speaking. Jonas Bendiksen. Book is called Satellites published by Aperture. I also came to realize today how much I like Magnum photographers. It is the most direct organization that hits home with me.

Jonas did the whole project on film. When I walked up to him and he signed my book I congratulated him and quickly talked about his project. Mine is Poland which I am planning to photographs over the next few ywars. He told me he now shoots mainly digital. My biggest internal debate on thecnical side is what to do about materials. Do I cut cost and go Digital which would mean I would have to sell most of my current gear. Or do I do film as scanners are getting better and get my best stuff done at the lab where I can produce great ink jet prints at home with my Epson. Of course the cost jumps when it comes to color. But in few years... if I want to rescan I get the same photograph with more detail. So how does one stick to one discipline and not get tempted by the other. Not knowing if the shot came out is a good thing to me. It makes me work hard or harder for the next image. It makes you earn that moment captured. It is part luck part effort and knowing of your materials. But cost.. is a factor since I am broke laltey... however.. but that might be the thing about it all... earning the image, trusting the process, slowing down and choosing the right image. I guess I want to have my images a refelction of me. I need to slow down for that. I hope I can find some strong argument to settle my internal debate. I am going to Photo Expo at Javits center saturday. Hopefully I can find some answears there.

I haven’t been good with the discipline to sit and write this blog. I know when I am not writing here all the great topics come to mind of what there is to write about. But the truth is there are the little hiccups that discourage me sometime until they are overcome and the fact wins that I find wiring here helpful.

The basic problem is that I lack confidence some of this make sense. The other side is that I don’t care because if I was that wise then I most likely would be to much of an asshole and way to sarcastic in sharing my vision. I am not. Moody… yes.. but I am working on this. I first saw how I change when I looked at my photographs few years ago. I took rolls of film and from all the pictures found few decent ones. But I was in constant pursuit to be good, great and admired for it. And once some level (but not the great part thank god) occurred I started to ask myself for whom am I shooting? Is it for attention or is it for my vision. I started to ask myself who am I and what am I trying to show. Now at 28 I have no answers as when I was 25 but I like the thinking about it in reference to looking back. All the dramas and great times of last few years of my adult lives are amazing moments which occur at instances. I can sit here and write all about my thoughts of the world but given one moment on a flight to Europe my whole perspective changes and I become not gloomy but exited what will be there. I begin to observe and quit to criticize at least for a while. And the older I get I start to break the awe and click the shutter. Then a year or two I remember that time. Odd but these things I love about photography.